


Twisted is My Name

by Sage8771



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms
Genre: Betrayal, Cheating, Choking, Emotional Manipulation, Extramarital Affairs, F/F, F/M, Post-Apocalypse, Pre-Zombie Apocalypse, Sexual Manipulation, Sexual Situations, Stockholm Syndrome, Survival, Unstable Relationships, Violence, damaged friendships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23641207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sage8771/pseuds/Sage8771
Summary: I knew I was the other woman to my best friend, but I didn't know about his wife. Our relationship was toxic, and the apocalypse set me free, so I thought.
Relationships: Negan (Walking Dead)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 49





	1. First Introductions are a Bitch

**Author's Note:**

> Bear with me as I feel my way through this one. I hope you enjoy!

I remember the first time I saw him. Doesn’t everyone? He’s hard to forget.   


He was sitting next to my best friend Ellie at the Tower restaurant when I walked in late, as usual. She’d been begging me since she found out I was coming home to meet her newest paramour, the latest in a long string, but with this one, she sounded different. Ellie was in love, for the first time in her life, or the twentieth, by my last count. But she’d never been so insistent that I meet a guy before, so when I got back into town, I promised to get together at dinner.

  


“Rachel, over here!”  


I slipped off my coat as I weaved through the tables, so focused on Ellie’s waving arm that I never bothered to check out her date until I reached the table, plopping myself down in the chair with a distinct lack of grace. He chuckled in a low tone when I looked up, and felt the glow of a white-hot flame flood my body.   


He was gorgeous, no doubt about it, but it wasn’t just a superficial attraction that I felt when I took in his eyes, so dark that they were almost black. I fell down a hole, looking into them, making my way back only when Ellie shook my arm, and we both looked away at the same time.  


“Hey, are you all there? You both just zoned out,” she said, glancing between us, and I actually shook myself like a dog. I couldn’t look him in the eye again, not with the way I was feeling, and I gave Ellie a smile.  


“I’m just jetlagged, still. It was a long flight.”  


“I’m sorry, Rach. I didn’t think about that,” she apologized as her new flame pulled her to his side, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. “We can do this another time.”  


“It’s fine,” I waved off the offer, fiddling with my silverware as a waiter came over to fill my water glass. She thought I was tired, but my senses were running wild, all because of the man across from me, one that I’d never seen before today, but he’d shaken me to my core. Something about him had gotten under my skin in record time, and I didn’t know what to do.   


“Rachel, this is my boyfriend, Negan. Negan, my best friend Rachel.”  


Negan reached his free hand over to shake mine, and I hesitated for just a second, afraid to make actual contact with him, with good reason. The moment our skin touched, I felt like I’d been hit with a cattle prod, and we let go at the same time.   


“I’ve heard a lot about you,” he murmured, pulling Ellie closer, his other hand disappearing below the table. “It’s nice to put a face with the name.”  


I nodded without looking at him, rubbing the pins and needles out of my palm on my dress, feeling sick to my stomach. I knew this was a physical reaction that I couldn’t control, but, Jesus. Ellie and I had been best friends since we were five years old. I’d seen here through the death of her parents, she’d seen me through the loss of mine, and even though we’d dated a lot of different guys over the years, I’d never once felt an attraction to any of her boyfriends. So why this one?  


“How was the trip? Get some good research?”  


“Yeah, until the foundation pulled us out,” I said, trying to get ahold of myself. “They wouldn’t say why, but we had to haul ass out of there.”  


“I’m sorry, babe. But I’m so glad you’re back.”  


“You were in the Amazon?”  


“Uh, yeah,” I kept my gaze on Ellie, who was staring at Negan like she was hypnotized. “I work with an anthropologist who’s studying the Nnu tribe there.”  


“Well, that sounds fucking cool as hell.”  


“Mmmhmmm.”  


I made it through the meal, listening to Ellie rhapsodize about how she met Negan, who’d come into her gourmet food store looking for some specific English toffee. She was absolutely glowing, though he’d looked away, gazing at the potted plant by the restroom door.   


“What about you? Have you heard from Josh?”  


Negan’s head snapped back when he heard the question, fixing me with a look that sent a chill down my spine, and it wasn’t from fear. Once again, I was held in place by his eyes, and when his leg brushed against mine, I pushed myself away from the table.   


“I’m sorry, you guys, but I’m really not feeling well.”  


Bending over, I kissed Ellie on the cheek, backing away. “I’ll call you tomorrow, I just need to get some sleep.”  


“I’ll walk you out.”  


“No, I’m good, really,” I waved off Negan’s offer, even though he’d already gotten to his feet. “It was nice meeting you.”  


“You, too, honey.”

By the time I got back to my apartment, I was somewhat calmer, and I took a shower, trying to cleanse both my body and mind, and when I drifted off to sleep, I was able to convince myself that it was just a one-time reaction, bound to never repeat itself.

I’d never been more wrong about anything in my life.

* * *

  


_“…the unexplained illnesses are being monitored by the NIH, though they’ve declined to make an official comment. So far, only a few people have been stricken by the unknown virus-”_  


“Why did you turn it off?”  


Josh put his hand back on the wheel, using his pinky to flick the turn signal, and I folded my arms over my chest when he ignored me. Something funky was going on, and he didn’t seem to want to know any more about it.   


“Darlin’, I deal with sickness and disease all day at the hospital. I don’t want to hear about it on the one night I have free. It’s bad enough we have to double date with Ellie and her newest fuckbuddy, so cut me a break if I don’t want to be assaulted by bad news.”  


“Then why did you agree to come, idiot?”  


“Because I want to get access to Candyland,” he grinned, pinching my thigh, and I snorted. Josh and I had been on and off for over five years, and he was the one guy I could depend on, at least for a few weeks at a time. Traveling the world didn’t really leave much time for committed relationships, and he was okay with it just being here and there. Besides, Josh was fun as hell, normally. In my opinion, he didn’t look like a doctor. More like a basketball player, with his long, tall frame and finely sculpted muscles. He was easygoing, and our times together were uncomplicated.  


Josh would definitely get an invite into Candyland, tonight, his pet name for my bed, and it would be just what I need to exorcise the demon of Negan. He was still present in my thoughts, despite the fact that Ellie had told me that she’d had some mindblowing sex after our dinner together, making me squirm uncomfortably over the phone.  


“The sex is normally amazing, Rach, but, my God, after he drove me home, I could barely walk the next morning.”  


_Great._

Josh pulled into the place, one of those Dave and Buster’s type of setups with games and bowling, and I figured that it would be casual enough that I could avoid any sort of meaningful interaction with Negan if it turned out that he still had some sort of hot-flash effect on me. Josh loved that type of shit, anyway, so, dressed in jeans, a tight, black shirt, and boots, I’d let him pick me up on the way, real date-like, and he took my hand as we walked in, immediately assaulted by the smell of beer, wings, and testosterone.  


“Rach!”  


Ellie came bouncing over like the cheerleader she was in high school, knocking me back a few steps when she hugged me, followed by Negan, who I fully admit, took my breath away, though I could blame it on my best friend’s embrace if questioned under oath. He was wearing a skintight t-shirt, snug jeans, and a pair of well-worn boots. His face was scruffy, and he gave Josh the once-over with his hands on his hips before offering me a curt head nod.   


“This was such a fun idea,” she chirped. “What do you wanna do first?”  


“Introductions, I guess,” I murmured, and she took each of us by the hand, planting us in front of Negan.   


“Negan, baby, this is Josh, Rachel’s sometime boyfriend. Josh, this is Negan.”  


“Nice to meet you,” Josh stuck out his hand, and Negan took it. The two of them did some sort of ‘size you up’ greeting until Josh forcefully pulled his grip free.   


We stood there for a few minutes in uncomfortable silence until I finally started walking towards the arcade games, shoving a five-dollar bill into the change machine. Josh and I veered off, with me grabbing a beer and him a bottle of water since he was on-call, and we managed to play a few games before Ellie grew bored, wanting to eat.   


An order of wings and beer later, the four of us decided to split into teams to play a few bowling games, and Ellie chose Josh, much to my dismay. After finding a ball that suited me, we grabbed the last free lane, and I took the seat near the ball return, my heart flipping around when Negan sat down next to me to put on his shoes.   


_Stop it_ , I told myself. _Get a fucking grip, get through this, and go get laid. That’s what’s bothering you._  


“You any good?”   


“I can hold my own,” I muttered, staring at my feet as I tied my shoes.   


“Oh, I bet you can, honey.”  


My head snapped up, but he had already risen and gone over to take the first ball. He made a strike, Ellie got a six, Josh got a strike, and I picked up a spare. By the time we reached the tenth frame, Josh and Negan were separated by one pin, and Ellie and I gave up, letting them battle each other while we gossiped. The air was thick with competition until Josh finally won, and I let out a hearty cheer, laughing when he picked me up and put me over his shoulder, carrying me to the bar.  


“Man, that guy is fucking intense,” he snickered, handing me a fresh beer. “You’d think we were playing for a championship trophy or something.”  


“Well, I’m proud of you,” I toasted to him, taking a sip as he frowned, reaching for his beeper.   


“I’ll be right back,” he stalked off towards the door, pulling out his phone. While he checked in with the hospital, I did some people watching, carefully avoiding looking Negan’s way. It didn’t seem like it was just me that had the hypothetical hots for him, judging by the number of admirers that were sneaking double-takes at him. In truth, he and Ellie made a striking duo, dark and fair-haired opposites, and I dismissed the jealousy as just that, jealousy that she’d found someone that instilled such desire in her. Josh was a fun guy, and he made me feel good, but there wasn’t a future there that I was sure of.  


“Bad news,” he snuck up behind me, kissing the side of my neck. “I have to go in. There was a twenty car pileup on the 395. It’s all hands on deck. Can you catch a ride with Ellie?”  


“Yeah, go ahead.”  


“Rain check on Candyland?”  


I kissed him softly, winking at him before he loped off, dreading having to join the sexy couple. I took my time, wandering over a few minutes later. They were deep in conversation, stopping abruptly when I got within earshot, and Ellie offered me a smile.  


“Where’s Josh?”  


“He got called into the hospital. Some big accident, he said. Would you be able to give me a ride home?”  


“Of course,” Ellie said, turning away from Negan slightly. “I live closer so I can get dropped off first.”  


“I don’t want to mess up your plans,” I held up my hands, but she shook her head rapidly, pulling me away a few feet.   


“You’re not. He’s not staying over tonight.”  


I could tell she was bothered, just by knowing her for so long, and I gave her fingers a quick squeeze. Ellie was easily hurt, and she’d stew over this for a while. From what I could tell, they were getting along fine, but it’s not like I was privy to their conversation. Whatever had happened wasn’t any of my business. All I wanted to do was get home, and I followed them to the exit, protesting to no avail when Ellie told me to take the front seat.   


“Negan already knows the way to my house. You’ll need to give him directions.”  


We were sandwiched inside his little sports car, and my knees brushed against the glove compartment, but it was preferable to the side of my arm that was forced to rest near his. Every time he switched gears, our skin touched, and I wanted to rip it from my bones. Time and Josh hadn’t changed my physical reactions, and Ellie didn’t help, remaining completely silent on the way to her place.  


I escaped with a sigh to let her out, and she gave me a quick hug before Negan walked her to the door. If they kissed, I wouldn’t know, preferring to stare at my phone instead, dreading the second he got back into the cramped space with me. He must’ve felt the same, because it was a good five minutes before he got in, slamming the door loudly.   


“I can get a cab or something,” the words were faint as he reversed in the dark, ignoring me until we reached the end of the street.  


“Address?”  


As soon as I told him, he stepped on the gas, and I held onto the door with clammy hands, counting down the seconds until I was free. He pulled into my drive, jerking to a stop, and I hurried to get out, being met halfway by him.  


“Thanks,” I went around him, practically panting as I fumbled with my keys, and my back burned when I felt his body heat bleed into mine. “You don’t need to walk me in.”  


Hot, sizzling fissures spread through my fingers when his hand closed over mine, turning the key in the lock and pushing the door open. Negan used his chest to edge me through the door, and I took a few shaky steps to get ahead of him, but he was right behind me, and I ended up with my stomach pressed into my breakfast bar as he closed his arms around my torso.  


“Tell me to leave, Rachel,” his breath tickled my neck, and I shuddered, unable to speak. “If you want me to go, I will, but you fucking feel it, the same way I do, don’t you?”  


“I…”  


“The second I laid eyes on you, I knew this would happen. It’s fucking inevitable. _We're_ fucking inevitable,” he used the tips of his fingers to trace mine, running them up my arms and making me go limp. This was wrong, so wrong, and yet I couldn’t tell him to stop. Every time he shifted his focus to another part of my body, the heat increased, and I fell further into the moment. I didn’t think about Ellie, and I definitely didn’t think about Josh. I only want to quench the uncontainable desire that this stranger was bringing out of me.   


I turned in his hold, locking lips with him because I couldn’t not do it, and we tore at each other’s clothes blindly in my dark apartment. 

Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve killed him, but hindsight is always twenty-twenty, isn’t it? 


	2. You Can Call Me Dirty

_**Nubia frequently exhibited a matriarchial society, and women held several positions of power. Leaders in battle as well as rulers, they worshipped Isis, whom they believe nurtured, protected them, and decided their fate. Isis also helped to restore souls to deceased-**_  


“Open your legs, little hummingbird, and give me some of that nectar, or I’m gonna stick my cock between your shins and fuck your calves. I’m fucking dyin’ here.”  


I opened my eyes, knowing full well that Negan was leaning up against my bent legs, pressing his dick into them. I’d held out as long as I could, the longest I’d ever gone before, trying to hold him off, just to prove to myself that I could, and I made it twenty-five seconds.  


Slowly, I let my knees drop to either side of his hips, and he lifted my right ankle over his shoulder, smiling in a way that turned my insides to jelly. Hell, just about anything he did gave me the same reaction, and I dug my nails into the back of his neck, urging him to fuck me.   


The tip of the condom was already lubricated, and he pushed inside slowly, growling in satisfaction when I sucked in my breath, reaching for his mouth with my own. His tongue was soft, compared to the rest of him, all muscles and hard edges, and every time he used it to trace my lips, I pretty much had a mini-orgasm. Everything about him affected me, making me act in ways I never had before.   


I had a healthy sex life, but I’d never physically attacked a man the minute he walked through my front door like I’d done with him over the last several weeks, but I couldn’t get enough, couldn’t get him out of my system. It wasn’t one-sided, because he was already stripping his shirt off before he even got inside, and my body was littered with bites and bruises.   


“I could keep my dick inside you twenty-three hours a day,” he moaned, clenching his ass cheeks when I ran my hands across them. “You feel so fucking good.”  


“Oh God,” I chanted, lifting my pelvis and swinging my left leg across his back. Negan’s dick was huge, and he used it like it was his profession, making slow strokes in and out, leaving just the tip in with each thrust. One hand played with my nipples and the other held him up until he eased down to his elbow, closing his fingers around my throat, hard enough to make my eyes fly open but not constricting my airway.  


“Keep ‘em open,” he warned me, pressing my neck into the mattress. “I want you to watch my cock slide into your sweet, sweet, pussy.”  


“Negan,” I whimpered, throwing my head back until he tightened his hold, and it aroused me even more, making me compliant as I glanced down between us to watch him fuck me. He’d never laid his hands on me so roughly before, and I shrunk down under his weight, opening my thighs completely. Our eyes locked, sending me into that hazy spiral that had trapped me since the moment we’d met, and he smiled like the cat that ate the canary.   


“Good girl,” he praised, easing to the side and bringing me with him so that we were facing each other, my left leg straight against his and my right now over his arm. It let him penetrate even deeper, and it felt so fucking good. The shaft of his dick was just slightly curved up, and it allowed the head to drag along my g-spot with every pass. “You love this, don’t you, Rachel? Doing what I tell you to do? Making me feel so goddamned fine?”  


“Yes,” I panted, nodding my head in time with his thrusts. My bed was large enough that we could roll around, and I tried to get on top of him so that he could pump up into me. It felt the best of all the positions, looming over him and able to direct the pace. Plus, it was one of the few times that I got to feel like I was in charge. Negan had a very dominant personality, I’d learned, and it served him well. He used his physical size and confident persona made it easy for me to acquiesce to him, and after spending my days directing interns and underlings, it was enjoyable to turn my brain off and just do what I was told. But, sometimes, like tonight, I wanted to push back, and it made his eyes light up. He let me sit on his pelvis, but with a caveat.   


“Do you trust me, my little hummingbird?”  


“What?”  


I was distracted, trying to grip his dick so that I could put it inside myself, and he once again took ahold of me by the neck, getting my attention, and he met me halfway with his torso, touching his lips to mine.   


“Do you trust that I won’t hurt you? I want to try something.”  


To emphasize how much mental hold he had over me, brushed his other thumb over my clit, sending a fresh electric shock up my spine. I needed to come, and he was delaying a complete finish from me, though his eyes were soft. “Well?” he needled me. “Do you trust me? That I _only_ want to make you feel good, baby?”  


“Yes.” I did trust him, back then, and he expelled a soft breath into my lips.   


“I want to make you feel so good,” he promised, lining the head of his dick at my entrance, easing me down slowly before resuming the slow circles he’d been doing along the center of my throat and on my clit, making my eyes roll back in my head. I was so fucking close, and I would’ve done whatever he asked to get there. “If I go too far, just tug on my arm, okay? But you’ll love it, I promise.”  


Negan laid back on the pillow, letting me move up and down, still stimulating me, and I dug my fingers into his pecs, inching closer to an orgasm. When I began to pant, he sped up his thumb, slowly putting pressure on my carotid artery. It was a heady feeling, the gradual prickles in my vision, and the emptying of all blood to my brain. Just before everything went black and I lost consciousness, he loosened his hold, and I came, shaking uncontrollably, the sheer pleasure that wracked my body like nothing I’d ever felt before.   


I slumped onto his chest, unable to even lift my head, and he hoisted my hips up in the air, fucking into me rapidly, groaning in my ear when he shot his load inside me, stilling after a few more thrusts.   


“Jesus,” he panted, softly stroking my spine as I straightened my legs with some effort. “You have no idea how unbelievably beautiful you looked.”  


“That was…different,” I was having trouble putting words together, and he rolled me onto my back, kissing me tenderly. “How…I mean, have you done that before?”  


“Once, but, goddamn, not with someone that I care about like you, baby. It got me off so quickly because you trust me. It was sexy as hell.”  


He got up, covered in sweat and buck naked, walking into my bathroom. The faucet turned on, and he reemerged with a washcloth and a glass of water. After giving me a sip, he used gentle pats to wipe my face and neck, kissing each spot.   


“I’m not saying I want to do that every time,” I told him, earning a rough chuckle, “but it definitely upped the ‘wow’ factor.”  


“You ain’t fucking lyin’,” he tucked the sheet up around me, running his nose along my forehead. “I’ve never been more fucking turned on in my life. I wasn’t kidding when I said you looked beautiful,” he insisted when I rolled my eyes. “Your skin is glowing, your eyes are all shiny and shit. You’re just…fucking gorgeous. I was awestruck the first time I saw you.”  


I believed him, strangely enough, because we were both caught in some sort of gravitational field. It had been that way for six weeks, and I reached out to lightly touch his cheek, smiling. The moment was interrupted by a chiming sound, and he bent over, pulling his phone from his jeans. Like that, our evening together was over, and he sighed soundly, tossing it onto the mattress.   


“I gotta go. Dirk needs me.”  


“They’re that busy tonight?”  


In addition to being a high school phys ed teacher, Negan worked construction in the summer when school was out and bartended for one of the VFW posts. Normally, one guy was enough for the evening because only a few regulars ever came in at a time. “Some fucking Vietnam platoon reunion,” he muttered, putting on his boxers. “He says he's drownin’ over there.”  


“Are you ever going to be able to spend the night?” I said out loud instead of in my head, and he leaned over me, cupping my face in his hand. “I’ll make you a deal,” he kissed my neck, getting completely on top of me. “If you let me take you out in actual fucking public tomorrow, I’ll stay the night.”  


“Negan,” I put my arms around his neck, linking my fingers together. “No one knows about us.”  


“You mean, _Ellie_ doesn’t know about us.”  


Even him saying her name made me squirm in his hold. Whenever he brought her up, I felt the sick guilt of hurting her without her knowing it. She was more of a sister than a best friend. The bubbly, outgoing child who bounded up to me on my first day of school, standing petrified in front of a classroom of staring, unfamiliar kids, forced to introduce myself to everyone as a late arrival in the school year. “I’m Ellie,” she announced in a chirpy cadence, taking my hand with swinging pigtails and leading me to a two-person desk. “You’re my new friend.”  


We’d been inseparable ever since, through grade school, college, and life after. She was the most important person in my world, and I’d spent the last month and a half skulking around behind her back. True, she and Negan weren’t seeing each other anymore, but _I_ was the reason why.   


A few days after the group date with her and Josh, when he and I had slept together, he broke up with her, and he didn’t have to deal with the fallout. I did. I sat on the couch with her as Ellie cried, devastated that he’d ended things. “He said he just wasn’t ‘feeling’ it with me, Rach. What the hell does that even mean?”  


“Ellie,” I swallowed hard, watching her wipe her nose with a soggy tissue, “honey, you only dated for a month or so…”  


“You know what,” her temper flared up, and I backed off, literally, towards the other end of the couch. “Sometimes it happens fast, okay? Just because you and Josh can’t get off your asses and make a commitment doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t know what we want.”  


It was harsh, but true, and now that I’d slept with Negan, it was even more complicated. She immediately apologized, shaking her head in denial at the thought that she’d intentionally hurt me.   


“I just…knew when I met him,” Ellie looked down at her hands. “The second he looked at me I felt this electricity inside, and I thought he felt the same, but that the last few days, he’s just been disinterested. He doesn’t listen when I talk, and he’s been distracted. I thought something was going on at work, or he wasn’t feeling well, but he comes over last night and he just broke up with me.”  


“I’m sorry,” my words were choked, and I knew I was a grade-A asshole. No one with any good conscience would put their best friend in such a position, even as I tried to reason it away. Ellie herself had mentioned electricity and things happening fast. All of which had happened to me as well, and Negan claimed he felt with me. I had no idea if he’d ever actually told Ellie the same. The only consolation I could give myself was that they’d only dated for a month or so, but over the following weeks, Negan kept trying to get me to venture out with him in public.   


Each time, I’d say no, that I didn’t want to hurt Ellie, and I knew his patience was wearing thin, but there was no good excuse I could give her as to why I’d done what I had. Therein lay the problem, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Tell her and risk my lifelong friendship with her, or continue to hide a relationship that was consuming my life?  


“Listen,” he broke into my memories, one corner of his mouth turning up and the other turning down. “I promise we won’t stay in town. Just dress casually and I’ll pick you up and we can have a nice day and night together.”  


“Oh, all right,” I gave in, watching him walk out with a wave, and when I heard my front door close, I got out of bed, resolving to take a shower and clean up. I was covered in sweat myself, and I just hated to go to bed dirty. I passed by the window between the bed and the bathroom and I jumped when I heard Negan’s voice.   


“What are you in the mood for?” he said, heading towards his car, which was parked right under my window. It was the only place in the apartment lot where no one would be able to recognize his vehicle, and I strained my ears to eavesdrop, just because the tone of his voice was so soft. “Burgers? Italian?”  


He opened his car door and the last thing I heard before he shut it was a murmur that sounded like ‘I’ll be there soon, honey’, but I couldn’t be sure. Still, it sent a sliver of heat up my neck and all over my scalp, and I watched him drive away from behind the curtain, his taillights disappearing into the trees along the driveway.  


Of course, he was more of a fucking two-timing liar than I was, but back then, I told myself that I’d misunderstood, and I’d filed it away into the back of my mind, not knowing the next day was going to be the last one we’d spend together before the world went to hell and I found out what a filthy adulterer he really was.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm stepping out of my comfort zone with the sex stuff, so just bear with me. Up next, a date, a revelation, and an incoming apocalypse. Thank you for reading!


	3. Love Walks In (and leaves with a bloody nose)

**When a male reaches adulthood, he is then entitled to choose a wife from the available women in the tribe or in a neighboring one. He must first meet with the prospective families, and then present his choice to the elders.**  


**The trio of leaders can either grant his request or deny it, though there is one final caveat. The ktaash.**   


**Any female that is eligible to be paired off with a male can invoke the ktaash just once in her life. It nullifies any ruling, whether to allow or deny a marriage. So if she uses the ktaash to deny the first suitor that claims her, any subsequent males are free to negotiate with the elders to claim her.**   


**It is a limited, but powerful option, and we were able to witness it during our studies.**

The rumble of an approaching motorcycle diverted my attention, and I looked up from my notes as it got closer, sounding right outside my window. I rose, blinking when I saw a powerful bike sitting just feet from me, and a large, muscled frame leaning back with a helmet on, gripping the handlebars with two gloved hands.   


Smiling, I shut my laptop and grabbed my purse and jacket to head out for our first official ‘date’. Even though we’d spent just about every night together, we’d never actually gone anywhere, because of my fears of Ellie finding out, but seeing him in a pair of jeans that hugged his thighs, a black motorcycle jacket, and riding boots, I would go anywhere he wanted. It was more than his looks, which were as striking as any movie star. He just had an aura that no one else did, and I’d seen more of the world than the average person. It would serve him well when the world went to shit, but more on that later.  


“I didn’t know you owned a Fat Boy,” I said as he removed his helmet, appraising my outfit quickly before leaning to kiss me.   


“Well, shit, and I didn’t know you knew anything about motorcycles.”  


“It looks like we still have our own little secrets,” I teased, and he looked away for a split second before shrugging. “So, where are we going?”  


“That’s for me to know and you to be surprised,” Negan handed me a matching black helmet, affixing the strap before placing his hands on my waist. “It won’t interfere with our secret relationship,” he clunked his helmet against mine.   


“So funny,” I clunked mine in response, making my entire body bounce back. “Seriously, where are we going? Am I dressed okay?”  


“Just fucking relax,” Negan winked before flicking the hem of my dress. “Just hike that skirt up and press your panties against my ass. We’ve got a nice drive ahead of us.”  


He wasn’t lying. We drove for over three hours, minus one pit stop for leggings since my skin was getting raw, and I was stiff when he pulled off the interstate, following the bright red and white signs for the Russell County Fair. I was surprised, but in a good way, and we joined the long line of cars and trucks that were streaming towards the open fairgrounds.   


My hands were resting on his stomach, and I patted him lightly when we finally parked in the massive field, waiting until he cut the engine to remove my helmet. He did the same, and I ran my hands through his sweaty hair, wiping the excess moisture on my pants. “The fair?”  


“Why not?” Negan helped me off the bike, easing himself out of his jacket. “Fun, right?”  


I took off the leggings and he put them along with our coats in the saddlebag, securing the helmets as I fixed my hair and makeup. Hand in hand, we walked to the tractor that was hauling people to the entrance. When we sandwiched ourselves in between two other couples, he put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his damp shirt, and he murmured in my ear. “What do you wanna do first? Fuck in the port-a-potty?”  


“Gross,” I looked up to see that he was joking, and I leaned back, just enjoying the fact that we were together out in the open. I looked around to see others chatting quietly and kids bouncing excitedly in their seats, and I have to admit to that I began to imagine what it would be like down the road once I owned up to my bullshit and told Ellie the truth.   


“Then what do you really want to do?”  


“Let’s get a Lemon Shake. I haven’t had one since I was a kid.”  


Once we were inside, we looked for the shakes, joining yet another line as we waited our turn. God, it was good, and even now, I could still taste the sugary sweet drink on my tongue. I could still taste it on his lips. It was the best non-sex related memory I had of him, and we walked along the fairway, people-watching and looking at the animals that the four H kids were showing.   


We found a vendor that was selling fries, and Negan loaded them up with salt and vinegar, palming a bunch of napkins, and we took a recently vacated bench under the trees. It was right near the bleachers, and I fed him bites as he decided we needed to spill more secrets. “Tell me more that I don’t know about you yet, and I’ll reciprocate.”  


“Um,” I thought about it, licking some vinegar off my fingers. “I don’t know. Like what?”  


“Well, you’ve been all fucking over the world, right? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve eaten?”  


“Probably placenta.”  


Negan’s mouth dropped, eyeing the limp fry that I held in front of his mouth, shaking his head back and forth. “What? You ate _afterbirth_? Why?”  


“Tradition,” I ate the fry instead, licking my lips. “When a woman gives birth in the Champuti tribe, it’s every woman’s privilege to consume a piece. It’s supposed to foster fertility, health, and luck. I spent three months trying to win their trust," I added. "To refuse would've been the ultimate disrespect. Besides, it tasted better than tarantula."

His eyes widened adorably, and he wrinkled his nose in distaste as I tossed the now-empty cup into the trash bin next to the bench. "Are you telling me that my mouth has been touching lips that ate a spider?"

"Damned straight," I snickered, pulling out my phone and scrolling through my pictures, holding it up to his face as he recoiled. "It was bland, like uncooked chicken, though they didn't really add anything to it."

"Get that fucking picture away from me."

"Oh my God. Are you afraid of spiders?"

"No," he huffed, covering the screen with his hand. "I just don't fucking like them, all right?"

His face turned red as I laughed, and he wrapped his arm around my neck, pulling me into his chest to muffle the sound as people walked by. "You're an arachnophobe, aren't you?" I imitated spider legs skittering up the side of his torso, and he crushed my breathing off with one tug, so I gave in, pinching the soft skin on his side. "Okay," I mumbled into his chest when he let off the pressure. "So sensitive. Jeez. You'd never last in the Amazon."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean? I can do just fine in the great outdoors."

"Sweetie, you're surrounded by bugs," I looked up into his eyes, giving him a teasing wink. "You wake up with them smashed into your cheeks and hair, and they have these jumping spiders-"

"Okay," he cut in, hoisting me out of the seat as he rose, planting me on my feet. "Another fucking word about spiders and I'm leaving your ass here. What else do you wanna do?"

We spent the rest of the afternoon walking down the rows of concession stands, wandering into the barns to see the animals before sitting in the bleachers to watch the horse competition. All the while, we shared little unknown bits of trivia about ourselves. Negan told me that he could do a perfect imitation of the Tarzan yell, and I made him promise to do it for me when we got back to my place. I also learned that he was allergic to mushrooms, which he'd never mentioned before. He said he didn't feel the need to, since I'd already expressed my severe hatred of the fungus. Still, it was nice to know, and we stopped at an apple dumpling cart as the sun started to set, waiting for another couple to move out of the way as they argued about who had the best candy apples. 

The woman working the cart had short, grey hair, foggy glasses, and a smile, and she looked between the two of us as I debated on whether or not to get the dumpling or an elephant ear. After waffling back and forth, I chose the apple dessert, and Negan held up his hand, declining. "You sure you don't want anything, young man?"

"No, ma'am," he grinned, watching as she plopped a large scoop of vanilla ice cream on the pastry, topping it with a heaping amount of whipped cream. "I'll be eating my dessert later tonight."

"Oh, what are you having?" I spooned a mixture of the ice cream, apples, and whipped cream into my mouth as she watched, choking when he answered her, unable to get the food down my throat.

"Hairy pie."

She squinted at him as he clapped me on the back, taking the styrofoam bowl out of my hands, setting it back on the cart. "You all right, hummingbird?"

I pointed to one of the bottles of water that she was selling, and she pulled it from the icy bucket, handing it to me. The entire time, I was mortified that he'd actually said such a rude thing to an older stranger, and she begged his pardon, the act not phasing him in the least.

"I said, I'll be having some cherry pie later."

"Oh," she breathed, clearly relieved that she'd misheard. "That's my favorite, too."

"Isn't it the best pie out of all the pies in the world?" Negan handed her a twenty, telling her to keep the change and have a good night, steering me away, even though I was still coughing.

"Real mature," I spluttered, snatching my treat back, and he goosed me, grinning without shame. 

"Never bring up spiders again, and I'll never do that, either."

"Whatever."

"Give me a bite to hold me over until I eat your cherry pie," he teased, opening his mouth as we walked through the thinner crowd. I got it mostly in, and he kissed me with sticky lips as a thank you. The weather wasn't as hot as it normally was, so I was a little surprised that there weren't more people at the fair. I wasn't complaining, mind you. Just surprised. Not having to navigate through a mass of sweaty bodies was A-OK with me, though nowadays, I knew it was because the world was going to shit. I'd been so wrapped up in my work and spending time with Negan, I hadn't kept abreast of the virus and the havoc it was starting to wreak. 

When the sun started to set, we’d wandered through just about every food booth, and I took him by the hand, dragging him down the streets that were littered with games, whining just enough until he grumbled, but participated in the strongman competition, one of those old-fashioned, 'use a hammer to hit the bell' kinda deals. There were a group of young bucks trying to outdo each other, ragging on the weaker of the group to impress a giggling band of girls that were standing nearby and just generally being kids, but the one with the biggest build looked Negan up and down, handing him the hammer with a sneer. "Why don’t you give it a try, old man. Try not to pull your back out."

In the new world, I'm sure he'd just kill someone for even daring to stand up to him like that, but in the old one, he merely took the tool, holding it as if it didn't weigh more than a feather. He offered me a sultry smile, handing the attendant a five-dollar bill before hoisting the mallet over his head and slamming it down with all of his might. The little puck zinged up like it had been shot from a rocket, hitting the bell up top with a clang, leaving the teen boys staring at him, openmouthed. I won't lie and say it wasn't a huge turn-on, because it was. He was tall, muscular, and every move was calculated and powerful. But it was his smart mouth that pushed him into the irresistible category, and he handed the mallet back to the little shit that challenged him.

  
“A piece of advice from me to you, fella,” he tapped the kid on the shoulder, his eyes flickering to the girls that were still watching. “When you wanna get the girl, you don’t have to act like the biggest dick in the room. You have to _have_ the biggest dick in the room.”  


He chose a pink elephant from the prize pile, brushing it across my nose before giving it to me, and I followed in his wake, shaking my head. “An educator never stops teaching, huh?”  


“That’s for goddamned sure,” he snorted, clearly happy. “I remember being a backed up little fucker at that age, but damn, these kids today need to learn some respect. Males are working from their dicks at least ninety percent of the time.”  


“You don’t seriously believe that, do you? That’s just stereotyping an entire gender.”  


“I ain’t sayin’ it’s all sexual,” Negan argued, using the arm that was around my waist to guide me past the other games, but I came to a halt in front of the balloon dart booth. “A man is defined by his dick. That’s why they call it manhood. I mean, think about it,” he clearly thought he was onto something, and I, as an actual anthropologist, decided to humor him. “It all goes back to our caveman ways. Hunters, protectors. If we can’t do either, along with procreating,” he looked me up and down with a grin, “we can’t prove our worth.”  


“So…if I challenged you to the dart game we’re standing in front of, which of those manly urges would win?”  


“Let’s fucking find out, shall we?”  


He and I stepped apart, each taking a spot in front of the worker, and I slapped down ten dollars. The questionable looking dude running the game tucked the bill into his apron, handing each of us three darts. “You get three shots,” he said in a bored voice, stepping to the side. “Hitting any three balloons gets you a small prize. Three of the same color, and you get a large one. If you get all red ones, you get one of the colossal prizes up there,” he waved haphazardly to a lined row of three-foot-tall bears.  


Clearly, he was over his job, but I lined myself up as Negan did the same, and he gestured for me to go first. I could feel him watching me closely, and I squinted my eye, lining up my target. With a fluid arc, I let the dart fly and it hit a red balloon, the latex exploding in a pleasing way. When I glanced over, Negan was wearing a cocky look, and he threw his dart with extra force, hitting a red balloon as well.   


“Round two?”  


I nodded, picking my next target and hitting another red one. Negan threw almost immediately after I hit, and we were tied at two apiece. There were two red balloons left, and I set my sights on the one just to the right of center, hitting it, just barely. When I got it, he shrugged, though he did move me aside so he could line up against the remaining balloon. Manhood was on the line, I think, and he took a lot more time to gauge his throw. I leaned against the counter, holding up my finger when the dart guy tried to get me to pick my prize. I’d rather watch Negan, his eyes, as they narrowed in concentration. The muscles on his upper arms were taut, and my attention was drawn to his fingertips, mesmerized as he rolled the dart back and forth between them. Unfortunately, his throw missed the target, and he hit a blue balloon instead.  


“Swing and a miss, pal,” the worker taunted him, tossing him a bright green snake. “The lady wins a giant prize. What’ll it be, darlin’?”  


I pointed to the only brown teddy bear, and he stepped up onto his ladder, freeing it from his spot, where it had been secured with two zip ties, handing it over to me. I tried tucking it under my arm, but it was unwieldy, and Negan took it by the neck, slinging it over his shoulder. His face was inscrutable, and I let my eyebrow raise, waiting for him to say something.   


“Well played, hummingbird,” he busted out into a full-fledged grin, and I pulled his head down for a kiss. He lingered for a few seconds, swiping his tongue across my lips, and I gave him a wink.   


“I played darts a lot in college,” I told him, poking him in the side when we passed a little girl who was looking at the bear with wide eyes. He walked over, getting down on one knee as the girl’s mother damn near swooned on her feet. The little girl shyly took the bear, disappearing behind it, and he gave the mother a panty-melting smile as he stood up. I’d never wanted him more, even more than that first moment we’d shaken hands, and I’d felt an inescapable draw to him.   


“You want me, that mom wants me,” he teased, looping the ugly green snake around my waist and pulling me flush against him. “Who says you need to hit three fucking red balloons to get the girl?”  


“So your manhood is still intact?”  


“You tell me,” he tilted his hips in, and I felt the vague hardness against my stomach. “You ready to go?”  


The sun was down, and I nodded, wandering towards the sound of Frank Sinatra as he went to use the bathroom. Amidst the sounds of kids screaming, rides creaking and screeching, I could hear the faint sound of ‘Summer Wind’, and I rounded the corner of one of the green barns, pleasantly surprised to see a large, white gazebo. It was where the music was coming from, and I drifted over like a moth to the twinkling lights that decorated the inside.   


Several older couples were dancing, and I leaned against the opening watching the groups of men and women, some moving cheek to cheek, while others were in a more formal stance, one hand on the shoulder, one on the waist, with hands clasped together in the air, and I envied them. They were carbon copies of each of my grandparents. My paternal ones were more reserved, like my father himself was, so they would dance the same way at family functions. My maternal ones were more affectionate, often holding hands or kissing each other tenderly. It was a shame that my mother tried so hard to mold my dad into a couple that was the same way, and it never seemed to last. Their relationship had been…tumultuous, to say the least.  


I nearly had a heart attack when I felt someone slap my ass, and I turned to see Negan grinning at me, his smile faltering as he looked into my eyes. “What’s wrong?”  


“Oh, nothing,” I shook my head, even as my gaze was drawn back to the people dancing. “Just thinking about my parents.”  


“Well, that’s a fucking bummer,” he frowned, knowing that they’d died in an accident, and he took the fuzzy snake and elephant out of my grip, tossing them into the dirt. “We can’t have you ending our super awesome fair date on a shitty note.”  


“I’m fine.”  


“Come on.”  


Negan directed us around the bushes to the steps leading up into the gazebo, and he found us a spot in the middle of the floor, pulling me closer. He moved us in time with the new song that just started, humming along to the Duprees, and I pressed my cheek to his shoulder, closing my eyes. This was as close to heaven as I would probably get, and I laughed when he whispered in my ear. “See? I can be romantical and shit.”  


“You made it ten seconds,” I opened my eyes and looked up to see him looking pleased. “Is it a record?”  


“Pretty close,” the lights made his eyes shine, and he dipped his head, kissing the tip of my nose. Being with him drowned out everything else. The melancholy memories of my parents, the incessant guilt of hurting Ellie, even the fact that I’d denied caring about someone this much for my entire life. Josh had known me much longer, and I’d never felt this way with him.   


“Tell me one more thing I don’t know,” he murmured as we swayed from side to side. I bit back what I really wanted to say, because it was just too hokey for the moment.   
  
“I love grape flavored things, but not actual grapes.”  


“You are so wonderfully fucking weird,” his body shook, and I turned my entire face into his chest.  


“And I love you.”  


He stopped moving, and I pushed my face in further, feeling like an idiot for some reason, but he eased me back, using his thumb to lift my chin. “I already knew that, hummingbird,” his voice was low and gravelly, and I closed my eyes. “I love you, too. I was just waiting for you to say it first.”  


“Why?”  


“I really don’t know.”  


We spent the rest of the song just standing in one spot, and when the last chords faded away, he put his lips to my forehead, breathing softly against my skin. I felt out of sorts, like I’d just been shaken awake from a deep sleep, and nothing looked or felt real. It was dizzying, both the atmosphere and knowing that Negan loved me, that it wasn’t just some sexual attraction.  


“Well, are you ready?” I asked, taking a step back to clear my head. “That cherry pie isn’t going to eat itself.”  


Negan busted out laughing, seeming a little relieved, and he linked our fingers together, weaving us through the still dancing couples. My stuffed animals were gone when we went to get them, and we made our way back to the entrance, catching one of the tractors and claiming the last two seats.   


I hurriedly put the leggings back on, and Negan fastened the buttons on my jacket, tightening the strap on the helmet he’d lent me. “If you get too cold, hit my thigh twice, okay?”

  
By the time we made it back to my apartment, I was stiff and cold as hell, and I unstuck my hands from his waist, stumbling off the bike like someone that had never walked before. Negan groaned, twisting his torso to loosen it up. “Fuck, that was a long ass day.”  


“Let me work the knots out of your back. Come on,” I started for the door, unlocking it and holding it open as he lumbered through, cracking his neck. The resounding pops sent a shiver up my spine, and I tossed my purse and keys on the counter. He followed me into the bedroom, flopping down face-first onto the mattress, and I climbed on top of him, setting myself on his ass, still wearing my jacket, dress, and leggings.   


“Oh, fuck,” he moaned when I began to dig my thumbs into the area on either side of his neck. “I might blow my load just from that.” 

I shimmied out of the coat, lifting the bottom of his shirt to have access to his skin, and he went limp underneath me as I worked the knots out of his back, and I murmured quietly, making his eyes pop open. “I’m going to tell Ellie about us.”  


“You sure?”  


“Yeah,” I bent over to kiss his cheek. “I want this, Negan. All the time. I don’t want to hide, anymore.”  


He rolled over underneath me, taking my hands to pull me forward, and he rubbed his lips back and forth over mine. I was afraid, both of hurting her and losing my best friend, and scared of losing him if I kept trying to keep our relationship from seeing the true light of day. “It’s gonna be okay, Rach. I’ll go with you.”  


“No, I need to do it alone. I don’t want her to feel ganged up on or embarrassed. You know she really cared about you.”  


“I know, but it’s bullshit that you feel like you need to take the blame alone. We both did this,” Negan let my fingers go to put one hand on the small of my back and the other on my cheek, and I raised myself up slightly. “I know she was into me, more than I was into her, and she needs to see why. She needs to know that this is something real.”  


“I…” the words wouldn’t come, because the shitty part of me wanted him to take some of the pain that was going to come my way. Ellie was one of the most important people to me, and I doubted her ability to forgive something this heinous. I’d tried countless times to put myself in her position, and in each one, I wouldn’t be able to look at her the same way ever again. Would it hurt less to think of it as just an inescapable sexual attraction, or would the fact that we were in love make it justifiable?  


“Don’t tell her without me. I’m serious,” he commanded, and I finally just nodded my head. “All right, now give me ten minutes to just chill, and then I’ll rock your fucking world.”  


“It’s late,” I rolled off of him, using my toes to remove my sandals, turning to the side to push my back against his front. “You can have your pie some other time.”  


Negan let out a sleepy chuckle, and I turned off the lamp, falling asleep to the feel of his breath on the back of my neck.   


Sometime before seven, I rolled over to get more comfortable, and I opened one eye, seeing the other side of the bed empty, and a sheet of paper folded in half on the other nightstand. 

**Sorry I had to duck out, hummingbird, but I had to get to work. I’ll call you later.**

**Save some cherry pie for me tonight.**

  


I rolled my eyes, setting it back in its spot before going back to sleep for an hour. When my alarm went off, I shuffled into the kitchen, starting the coffee maker and digging my phone out of my purse. It was almost dead, and I plugged it into the charge, yawning as I checked my messages.   


The dean of the college had sent out an alert to all staff and students that the campus was being shut down, effective immediately, due to the increase in the unknown virus. All employees were expected to check in with their department heads and to work from home until further notice.   


I frowned, dialing Professor Harding’s number, and it went straight to voicemail. I left him a quick message that I was checking in, and I turned on the television, which was featuring wall-to-wall coverage of the mysterious illness. They didn’t have any insight or facts, just conjecture, since the CDC, NIH, and even the World Health Organization refused to confirm or deny any of the rumors that were going around. The talking heads kept bringing on so-called experts, but none of them said the same thing. One intimated that it was some sort of government experiment. Another insisted that it was a laboratory-created virus that had been unleashed on the population. Still another claimed that it was killing people and reanimating them.  


Snorting, I turned down the volume, going in to shower and continue working on my notes. Ellie called once to check-in, and I pushed down the awkward guilt. She said that some of her normal customers had come into her store, buying huge amounts of canned goods, warning her of an impending crisis.   


“Have you talked to Josh?” she asked, the sound of her store doorbell ringing over and over again. “What does he think?”  


Josh.   


He and I had barely spoken since the night that he was called out to a major accident. Most of our contact had been through text, which I’d been okay with. No face to face meant no having to break things off with him, and all he’d talked about was how swamped they were at the hospital.   


“No,” I sighed, putting her on speakerphone. “Let me send him a text to see if he’s heard anything. Hang on.”  


I could hear her ringing people out and talking to Josie, the girl that worked for her, and I brought up Josh’s contact info, typing quickly.  


**_-Hey, is there anything I need to know about this virus crap? Ellie’s starting to freak out, and the doomsday prepper faction is warning her that shit’s about to go sideways._**  


He didn’t respond, and I shrugged, blowing it off.   


“He’s not answering,” I said, and Ellie told me she had to go. All in all, I was less concerned than I should’ve been because my mind was preoccupied with Negan. He loved me, and I smiled to myself like a lovestruck twit. 

Stupid moron that I was, I spent the rest of the afternoon humming love songs and editing my notes about the Nnu tribe’s courting rituals, finally sending him a text when I stopped to find something to make for dinner.   


_**-Just checking in. I haven’t heard from you all day. Are you planning on eating here?**_  


He didn’t answer, either, and I felt just a smidge of worry that something was wrong. After waiting for an hour with no response, I tried to call, but it went right to voicemail.   


_He’s probably in the shower or something_ , I told myself, taking my phone with me out to the porch. _Or maybe he’s sleeping. He was up at the crack of dawn, and we were out for a long time yesterday._  


By the time ten o’clock rolled around, I’d resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to be seeing him that night, and I sent him another message, telling him to call me when he could, and that I loved him.   


Twenty-four hours later, the news was getting grimmer, and I still hadn’t heard from Negan. Experts were now advising everyone to stay in their homes and to only go out for necessities or emergencies, and I tried calling him again, getting his voicemail. I left a message to please call me in a shaky voice, finally going to my computer to look up his address. If he wasn’t going to reach out to me, then I’d just go to his house.  


Since every night we’d spent together had been at my apartment, I didn’t actually know where he lived, other than the fact that it was somewhere in North Springfield. Asshole me, should’ve known something was off just by that fact alone, but I was blinded by everything else. So, I brought up the county auditor’s site, and I typed in his first and last name, figuring that there weren’t too many people named Negan in the area. There was only one, and he was listed as living on Kempsville Street.  


He and Lucille.   


I don’t remember to this day what I thought at that moment. I’m not sure I really had any coherent thoughts. Just an agonizing pain, a realization that I was a fool. I was a fool to love him and I was an idiot for believing anything he’d ever said. He was married, and I’d not only betrayed my best friend, we’d both slept with him while he was tied to someone else.   


_Lucille._  


My breath came out in a rush, and I knew I was going to throw up, but I couldn’t get out of the chair. I couldn’t stop staring at their names, together on a deed to a house in Springfield. Without taking my eyes off the screen, I grabbed my little wastebasket, and I vomited into it, hunching over until my abdominal muscles locked up.  


_Get up. Clean up the mess._  


Easier said than done, but I eventually rose, taking the garbage can to the kitchen and tying up the little plastic grocery bag, tossing it into the big can in my pantry. When I brought it back into the living room, my phone was lit up with a message notification, and I opened it on autopilot, seeing that it was from Negan.   


_Clean up the mess._  


I clicked on the bubble, and it took me three tries to read what he wrote. My hands were shaking and my brain was scrambled, but the words finally made sense in my head, and I swallowed down the bile that wanted to come out again.  


_**-I’m sorry for not getting ahold of you earlier. Things have been hell right now.**_

_Clean up your goddamned mess, Rachel._  
  


My fingers had my response typed out long before my mind caught up, and I hit send before I threw the phone against the wall with a scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, 2020 has sucked donkey balls for us all, and it's not even half over yet. I have been in remission for over 9 years, but I've had some bloodwork come back that is concerning. While I'm not in any immediate danger yet, my oncologist is monitoring me closely. I'm not one to share personal info to total strangers, but I do want to let you know that I'm uncertain of where this journey is leading me. I'm a fighter, and maybe that's why I tend to gravitate towards stronger characters in my writing. I may be delayed in posting some chapters, or I may overload you with work in the next month or so as I wait to hear what the next step is for me. Please bear with me, and stay safe in this crazy world.


	4. Look At All The Lonely People

_Absent of any stimuli, the reanimated corpse exists in a state of inertia, with little to no movement. Though they seem to have little cognitive abilities, they would appear to have basic functionality. Sound, scent, and movement do register with the dead, along with heat signals, and they’ll work relentlessly to reach their target until they either reach the source of food or until a different stimulant is initiated._  


_The dead do not care where the flesh comes from, though the immediate danger is to fellow humans. Animals have the advantage of speed, camouflage, and instinct on their side, although it isn’t uncommon to find the reanimated feasting on rabbits, deer, or even the occasional large animal, such as a horse. Since there is no way to research the effects that the blood and viscera have on the undead, humanity may never have an answer as to what, if anything the cannibalism does to keep them going._  


_They never sleep, never stop, and never cease searching for something that is still living and sentient to feed on. One or two are manageable, both to kill and outrun. Any more than that can be overwhelming because the fresher the body, the stronger it is, and juggling one leaves humans vulnerable to attack by others._  


_It’s also curious to see the herd mentality in action. When a group of dead are moving together and something catches one of their eyes, for lack of a better term, it will eventually prompt the rest to follow. In theory, it’s useful if they need to be redirected, but our group hasn’t put it into practice as of yet._

The sun was up, which meant my watch was over, and I stretched my legs out in front of me, freeing them from underneath my thighs. I had a soft cushion to sit on, but as the night dawned on, I’d put it behind my back against one of the solar stands so I could stare up that the skies. I never minded taking the night shift, since I slept only a few hours a day, and I shut the leather-bound journal, tossing it on top of my bag.  


My notes were rudimentary, things that were easily known after nineteen months of survival in this new world, but I felt it necessary to document everything. It’s what I’d done since the beginning, though the previous three journals contained data just from my own experiences.   


Now that we’d lived here at the caverns for over eight months, a sense of security had finally settled over me, and I’d allowed myself more time to just…explore my thoughts and ideas. Like anyone else, the aftermath of the end of the world and been a non-stop blur of death and blood and survival. All I’d been able to track were places we’d stayed, houses and stores we’d been able to find supplies, and the few survivors that came and went.  


It was a sad road to look back on, and it was shelved, thankfully, as I heard the brush of boots on the carved stone steps. Christopher’s head appeared on the horizon, and I twisted my back, the popping sounds making him wince.   


“Good morning.”  


“Yep,” Chris muttered, setting his bag on the ground. As lanky as a pole, the older man preferred to take his watch shift at dawn, since he was farsighted, he claimed. I personally figured it was because he could barely keep his eyes open once night hit. His snoring was legendary, and since the sound was amplified in the cavern, Chris had a section to himself. “Anything happen last night?”  


I shook my head as I got to my feet, narrowly knocking my head on the corner of the panel I’d perched under. “Not a squirrel out of place.”  


He grunted as he passed by my, taking a sweep of the softly sloping area. All four directions were visible to the naked eye from up here, though we were just shy of the mountains. It made for good vision lines, along with the river that ran along the back of our settlement. Chris had been with us for almost the entire duration and though I barely knew anything about him, I trusted him with my life.   


Since he didn’t spare me another glance, I took my bag and made my way down the steps that had been added to the stone front. Had I been afraid of heights, the trip down might be dizzying, since there was only a strip of knotted rope to hold onto, but it never bothered me. Like almost everything else around here, it was minimal and designed haphazardly. The little storefront that had been the entrance to Kelp’s Cavern was now a pile of rubble, cleared of anything that had been of use. It sealed up the most obvious path into our current home, and only the opening a half-mile away where we were currently standing was left.   


Weak from lack of proper nutrition. Nursing injuries that were unavoidable when moving from place to place or fending off living and dead murderers. All of it had left the four of us that managed to stay alive ready to throw in the towel when our shitty little Subaru ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, stranding us in the dead of night on the side of the road.   


Chris fell asleep immediately, snoring, and his brother Felix curled up next to him, so slight and thin that if he turned sideways he damned near disappeared. Ellie and I kept watch from the front seat, neither one speaking as we stared out into the pitch black. The moon was new that night, and I remember feeling like we were the only people left on the planet. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad one until Ellie whispered that since we’d probably have to repopulate the planet, she called dibs on Felix.  


Such an innocuous comment left me in hysterics, and I’d doubled over to stifle my laughs until they eventually turned to tears. Ellie never told me to settle down or assured me that we’d be okay. She just huddled over me until we both ended up falling asleep. More than once, either she or I had been on the verge of just giving up, and that night was my turn.  


The next morning, we both shot awake when the car doors slammed shut in unison. Chris and Felix had both exited the stiflingly smelly space, and we stumbled out after them. Since it was just first light, the area was blanketed in a fog that had yet to be burned away by the sun, leaving the street and surrounding land in an eerie state. Without GPS, I only knew that we were near Front Royal, but that was about it. For someone that grew up in Virginia, I knew less about it than the rain forests, and I glanced at Ellie, who was yawning with her eyes closed.   


Felix was making his way down to the riverbank, and Chris was taking the opposite direction, both disappearing into the fog. It was creepy as hell until Chris came darting back with an actual smile on his face. Frankly, it was disconcerting, since I’d never seen him anywhere even approaching happy, not that we’d met under the best of circumstances.   


“I know where we are.”  


Those five words started us on a five-mile trek to the little building that looked like something that belonged on the Swiss Alps in the seventies. A bubbling, dark wood façade, large, yellow-glass hanging lights, and a yellow and white sign that advertised Kelp’s Cavern, the ‘most beautiful place on earth’.  


Felix’s eyes lit up when we got close, tugging on Christopher’s arm and pointing to the cartoon miner that was drawn on the window. “We used to come here when we were kids,” he mouthed, looking at the building with excitement written all over his face. After over a year together, it was easy to understand him, though it had taken time when we ran out of batteries for his voicebox.   


“So you know your way around?”  


He nodded so fast that his head was blurry, and he and Chris disappeared around the side of the building, returning from the other direction roughly two minutes later. “All clear around the back,“ Chris grunted, pulling out a lock pick.   


When we got inside, the stench of decay was suffocating, and we spent the next hour going through every inch of the top floor, hauling out bodies and airing the place out. There was a car in the rear, but no gas, and we faced the fact that we were stuck here, more or less. Front Royal was over a day’s walk, and given that we’d just fled the last safe house that we’d found, none of us were in the mood to up and trek out through the wilderness, even though I was probably the most built for it.   


Luckily, Kelp, who was, in fact, a real person, had a shop that was filled with freeze-dried food, camping and spelunking gear, and a small section of tacky souvenir clothing. Ellie, for her part, was a trooper, even though the inside was crawling with spiders. She sucked it up, categorizing the food and trekking with Felix down to the river to fill up our jugs with water.   


By late afternoon, we had fresh stuff to drink, a meal of dried beef and instant potatoes, and a bed of blankets to nest in. It wasn’t the worst day we’d had by far, and I for one was curious about the cavern. Chris and Felix were busy studying the map, and Chris thought that we should make this place our new home.   


“Why?”  


He stared at Ellie like she’d asked him to give her fellatio before grunting. “We’re by a water source, girlie. Those bodies were probably Kelp and his workers, which means ain’t no one has been here since the dead started walkin’. This is the safest place to be.”  


“But…”  


“He’s right, El,” I agreed. I was tired of moving like a cockroach in the night, scuttling from place to place. Hiding from looters and people that wanted to take what little shit we had, and keep Ellie and me for raping. We lost Josh’s cabin, we lost our friend Julia, and we were just about out of hope. “If we want to live, we need to have a place to call our own. One that is out of the way, with less chance of running into other shitbags.”  


She looked up at the ceiling tiles, swollen with condensation and a rusty orange color. The store was only about two thousand square feet, not including the lower level that led straight into the cavern. We’d kept the door locked for safety, figuring that the next day we could explore that part, and she grudgingly shrugged her shoulders, turning away from the rest of us.  


Kelp’s cavern ran about two hundred feet below ground, the tunnels snaking in a figure-eight shape, with six branches in addition to four large rooms. In the center was a crystalline pool, the only place that received sunlight from above, a naturally occurring skylight that was too far up to reach, nor for anyone to climb down in.   


Over the last few months, we’d tagged every inch of the place, marking storage tunnels with red spray paint, weapons alcoves with yellow, and making our communal bedroom the ‘Q’ cavern room. We’d named it that because of the shape, the rocks forming naturally to make a ridge towards the right side of the entrance. Beds were brought in, hanging racks for clothes, and the few changing screens that we could find for a little privacy. Thanks to Kelp’s hidden little storage shed, ten containers of gas got the generator running, our car back to Port Royal for supplies and the solar panels, and a new lease on life.  


It wasn’t easy, but as time went by, we were able to plant food, and take in stragglers, once we deemed them safe enough to gain entrance to the cavern. There were a few nefarious types that tried to take over, but we were able to overpower them, and it was now the reason that only Ellie, Chris, Felix, and myself were allowed to carry weapons all the time out of the dozen or so people in our group. Chris and Felix used to live in a cabin by Josh’s, having spent their whole lives hunting, fishing, and trapping. Funnily enough, Ellie had shown a real proclivity for shooting accuracy. I knew for a fact that she’d never so much as looked at a gun before the world died, but she was good. Real good.  


As for me, knives were my specialty. Years of throwing darts had given me better accuracy than any of my fellow survivors, and after spending hours upon hours practicing at the cabin, I could hit a walker or person from at least twenty feet away, and I was getting better as time went on. 

As I walked through the entrance, Danny and Kelsie Cartwright were cooking oats for breakfast, and they smiled in greeting. Both were new additions to our group, along with a guy named Eli. Danny and Kelsie had been trapped in one of the fields just outside of our outskirts, surrounded by a mini herd of the dead, and Chris had just happened to hear their screams. They looked dead on their feet themselves, barely able to stay upright, and it was clear to him that they were no threat. Fortunately for them, he was able to draw them away to the river, where they were swept away in the early spring swell.   


Eli, we were lucky to find, I thought. Or he was lucky we found him, I guess. The Woodland Reserve Winery on Route 66 near Markham had been good to our group. We’d decided to investigate it for the hell of it, assuming it would be a bust, except for the wine, obviously, but when we got there, we found a treasure trove. The wine, Felix told us, could be converted to vinegar, which we were able to use to pickle any fresh veggies we were able to mine from abandoned gardens. Plus the grapes that were currently growing, though I hated the fruit with a passion.   


Aside from the obvious, the winery also had other assorted spirits, firewood, gasoline, waterproof storage containers, which we could always use, and at least six months-worth of pasta. All in all, it was a place that we kept coming back to, and we hadn’t even made a dent in their wine store. Felix and I usually went together, and on our fourth trip, when we passed the trailer park just before Markham, Felix tugged on my arm, pointing out a red SUV that hadn’t been there on the previous three scoutings.   


“We should check it out,” he mouthed, and I shook my head, driving on.   


“Could be a trap, you know that.”  


“Could need help,” Felix gestured to the car, whose rear doors were hanging open.  


“Felix, we have a plan. When we don’t follow the plan, bad shit happens, you know that.”   


His head dropped as I drove on, but I didn’t say it to make him feel bad. Facts were facts. We’d trusted someone before without trepidation, and it had almost cost us our lives.   


“Mad Dog was on all of us,” I said quietly, lowering the volume on the radio. “We were so desperate for someone to show us the way that it blinded us to some very concerning behaviors.”  


He never attempted any more conversation, and we arrived at the winery, clearing the field of a few stray walkers before pulling up some of the grapevines by the roots and laying them in the cargo area of the Rogue to transplant closer to us. Inside the restaurant, we took the last of the condiments before sealing the wine vinegar back up and taking it as well.  


As I got behind the wheel, Felix touched my wrist, and his face was troubled. I knew he was thinking about the attack, and how I’d had to fight to free myself from one of Mad Dog’s men who’d had me on my back, trying to pull down my pants. It wasn’t something I liked to reminisce about, especially because every time I did, I could taste the blood that poured into my mouth when I stabbed him in the neck with my knife. No one knew I had it under my pillow, and it was one of the reasons that I now kept one hidden on my body at all times.   


“I’m okay,” I reassured him, shuttling the thoughts of that night out of my mind, though it took a few seconds. “We’re all okay, right?”  


Felix nodded, and we started back home until we approached the trailer park again and I sighed loudly, slowing down. He sat up straighter, gripping his serrated knife, a soft smile forming.   


“If there’s more than one,” I warned him, and he nodded vigorously.  


“I know, we kill ‘em.”  


We circled around, looking for evidence of a trap, but other than a stray mutt that shot out from the rear entrance, there were no other signs of life, not even a deader. Still, I had my eyes trained on every direction, moving slowly through the narrow streets until we reached the other side.  


“Keep it running,” Felix mouthed, hopping out even though we were still a good hundred feet from the red SUV. He took off on silent feet, approaching from between two trailers that were behind the back of the car. His knife was ready to do damage as he reached the open doors, waving me over frantically.   


I gunned the engine, coming to a stop just inches from the bumper, hopping out with the engine still running and my hatchet raised. All I could see until I got up next to him was a brown boot, and it was attached to a young guy, who looked like he’d been left for dead.   


His dark blonde hair was matted with dried blood, his shirt was shredded in several spots, and more blood was caked onto his jeans and face. One of his eyes was swollen shut, and the other was open, looking at us warily.  


“Who…are you?”   


Lifting one battered hand, he held it up as if to ward us off, and Felix took a step back, pulling me with him so that we were at a safe distance from the stranger.   


“Who the fuck are _you_?” I shot back, still holding my hatchet up. “What happened to you?”  


He moaned as he tried to sit up, promptly passing out dead, and we stood there like two morons, waiting for him to wake up. When it was clear that he was down for the count, I stomped loudly back to the truck, pulling it up next to the SUV and taking out two pieces of rope. Felix tied his hands and feet without a word, and the two of us lugged his unconscious form out of the vehicle, wedging him into the back seat.   


The entire ride home, Felix stayed turned in his seat, watching the guy to make sure he didn’t wake up and try to attack us. When we got back to the cavern, I laid on the horn, sending a flood of people out of the cave and into the rocky gravel where we’d made a crude fence.   


Ellie opened the gate, latching it behind us, and Chris helped get him out and into our little quarantine area. One of the alcoves had been given bars, and it was our space to send any new people until we were sure that they were safe to give free rein in our home. Inside were two cots, a bowl with a pitcher of water, and a chamber pot. We weren’t the Hilton, so newbies were lucky to get it, and once they had him on the bed next to the left side, we secured the bars, and I went out to help unload our loot while Felix kept watch.  


None of us were medical professionals, so all we could do was wait, and Eli, as we came to learn, slept until the next day. After assuring him that we weren’t going to hurt him, he finally accepted some aspirin and a fresh cup of water, laying back down with his back to the wall so he could watch the rest of us.   


It took him another twenty-four hours before he finally clued us into his story. According to him, he’d been traveling north from South Carolina with his best friend and two other guys that they’d met on the road when they encountered a larger group of men. This other group offered them a spot in their crew, and they’d made it to Virginia the week before.   


“Something changed, though,” he looked down at the ground as he spoke, using his thumb to rub the open cuts on his right knuckles. “We were out looting some houses for supplies when a school bus happened to drive by. Jeb, the leader, thought that we should follow them to see where they were set up at. At first, we thought it was because he wanted to join them. Team up or whatever,” he muttered, “but when we saw the bus pull into a school, we saw that it was just a small group. Like, ten people, maybe?”  


“And?”  


Eli glanced up at Chris, who was staring him down, in classic Chris fashion.   


“Jeb pointed out that there were several women.”  


His eyes drifted towards Ellie and I, who were both leaning against the far wall with our arms crossed, and he averted his gaze immediately. “We hadn’t seen women in a really long time. Jeb just…he looked feral as he watched them go into the school, and he muttered something about dibs on the redhead.”  


“You talkin’ about rape?” Chris gripped the bars that he’d made, his entire body going stiff as Ellie and I watched. “He wanted to rape her?”  


“I don’t know,” Eli shrugged, wincing. “He never actually used the word ‘rape’, but that’s how I took it. They…the guys he had weren’t…they weren’t gentlemen, I guess you could say. There’s safety in numbers now, you know? He left two of his buddies to keep watch and took the rest of us back to the apartment building we’d been squatting in. Said that he wanted to find a bunch of firepower and take over the school. Jeb said he was sick of moving from place to place, pillaging like a rat, and that the school was the perfect place to put down roots and show everyone how fucking tough we were.”  


“And you were okay with that?” I took a few steps forward, noting how quickly he angered, and he rose to his feet, leaning his weight against the bars, one-handed.   


“Does it look like I was?”  


“You tell me,” I shot back, unmoved by his vehemence. “We don’t know shit about you, other than the fact that you were running with a bunch of pricks.”  


“My buddy Brad and I decided to cut and run,” his voice got louder. “I didn’t want to be a part of a group like that. I was in the Army, for fuck’s sake.”  


“The Army isn’t a sainthood,” I scoffed, trying to get him riled up on purpose. “You and your boys in fatigues are capable of just as much atrocity.”  


“Screw you,” he shrieked. “They killed Brad and tried to kill me when they caught us nicking some canned food. I barely made it out of there.”  


Eli hunched over, taking ragged breaths, and I backed away, observing how his hands were shaking. Chris waved the rest of us away, and I went outside, taking a leisurely stroll down to the river to clear my head.  


I pushed him partly to see how he’d react, and also because Mad Dog was military as well, so he’d said. Before the world ended, most people in the service were good. Dogged. Following command. But there was no leadership to follow anymore, and I knew as well as anyone how easy it was for people to be led astray. I’d witnessed it firsthand, and I’d been scarred by the brutality that people could cause for no other damned reason than because they could.  


Ellie sidled up next to me, plopping down in the grass to my right, plucking an overgrown blade and twisting it between her fingers.   


“We have to give people a chance,” she murmured, keeping the blade spinning. “Not everyone is bad.”  


“We’re giving some of them a chance,” I looked at her out of the corner of my eye.   


“I know what we went through, Rach. I don’t ever want to live through something like that again, okay? But the best way to survive is with numbers. More good people to fight against the not so good ones.”  


I left it up to her to decide, and after three more days in quarantine, she and Chris let Eli out. He never so much as looked my way for the first week, accepting that he was going to be accompanied by Chris or Felix for the foreseeable future. Ellie, he warmed up to quickly, helping her collect fish from the nets we’d set up across the river and emptying the rabbit traps that Felix had set up.   


She seemed to really click with him, and I saw a shadow of the girl that she used to be before everything fell apart. The effervescence that drew people to her like flies to honey. The twinkle in her eyes that made you think that you were the most important person in the world to her.  


It was a shame I had to kill him, but he brought it on himself. All because he bowed at the altar of Negan, fucking us over in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To me, Rachel isn't like any of the other characters I've written about. She's not afraid to kill, and in doing so, may not be as 'likable' as Gina, or Leah, or anyone else. I hope you give this story a chance, because I have some fun stuff planned . And as for Negan, he and Rachel are on a collision course back towards each other, so hold tight!


End file.
